She Insults me but I Love her!
Tom, a 30-year-old man sought my help for anxiety relief. He was crying every day and didn’t know what to do about his anxiety.
The following is a portion of the conversation I had with him:
Tom: My wife left me one week after our wedding day! She said that she had rushed into the decision of marrying me.
–How long were you two dating?
Tom: We were living together for about three years. Everything was fine. I just don’t understand it. I cry and cannot stop it. My mother is distraught and doesn’t know how to help me. I feel so bad crying in front of her.
He told me that if he tried not to think of her but lots of things remind him of her ex. If he heard a song that she liked, he couldn’t control his tears.
Tom: I still love her. We talk on the phone and I cry and tell her how much I miss her.
–How does she react when you cry and plead?
Tom: She is cold and insulting. She tells me that I’m weak that I cannot get over her. I can’t help it, I still love her. We do lots of texting to each other. I’m so polite with her but she is rude and demeaning toward me.
Tom told me that his ex had hired a lawyer to process the separation and divorce. He knew that it was over but he couldn’t help loving her. His mind knew that this relation was over but his heart wanted her back!
–Blaise Pascal said: “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing.”
Tom smiled and understood that it would be useless to fight his feelings or trying to control them with his rational mind.
Tom: You are right, I cannot reason with my heart. But what should I do?
I gave Tom a task to be able to express his emotions. I also ask him to do an experiment for a week. I asked him to change his attitude toward his ex from being warm and available to being cold and distant. He agreed to carry the task out for one week as an experiment. He would, among other things, avoid responding to her messages immediately, and when he replied, he would use few words and maintain a serious tone.
One week later
Tom was bewildered! He said that he had to go to pick up his belongings and through the half an hour he was there with his ex, Tom acted very distant and cold. He said that it was difficult not to plead as before and cry pleading her to come back but he was firm and said few words.
At one point his ex hugged Tom from behind and talked to him with a gentle voice telling nice things to him! Tom was shocked! He couldn’t understand why his ex had changed her attitude. When Tom was pleading her and crying, she acted cold and said nasty things to him. However, when he acted cold and distant, she was warm and gentle.
The next day Tom did an experiment on his own. He acted as before: replied her messages immediately; used a warm and polite tone when talking to her and expressed his desire to have her back in his life. To Tom’s amazement, his ex responded rudely and insulted him.
Tom: I learned my lesson. I decided that I don’t want to be around someone like her. I deserve better.